Yesterday, I was out with a friend and I had a little bit of trouble catching my breath. I wondered if I could actually feel my heart breaking. I think I just needed potassium, which is less melodramatic but extremely important.
I came home to a lasagna dinner and oatmeal cookies made by some garden members who put together a meal train. I came home to so many messages of love and support. I can’t be alone right now and have arranged not to be. I go to some pretty dark places emotionally and I know when to ask for help. I am worried about dying alone, but everyone has been so kind in assuring me that I’m not alone. I get so sad when I think about going to urgent care alone. In the past 24 hours, I’ve shed so many tears of sadness, but of gratitude as well.
I know I have been burden to everyone, especially those close to me. It means so much to me that everyone has been so kind. Sometimes I feel guilty, as if I don’t deserve all of this.
I used to love being alone and independent. I hate that illness has taken it away from me.
I want to be well again. I want a break from cancer. Sometimes I forget. I thought about trying to go to a pool and then I realized I have a PICC line in my arm. I had forgotten for a minute that life has changed. It continues to change.
The PRRT might actually give me a respite from the effects of this disease, but if it doesn’t work, that’s all they can do. That’s scary. I am so scared and so hopeful. I am savoring this hopeful time, because I know it’s limited.
Earlier this week, I took a short break from Facebook. I didn’t announce it, because often when people say they are taking a break to clear their heads, they’re back within days. (Like me, but it’s OK because I didn’t make an announcement! That is what I tell myself.) Also I don’t believe in denying yourself things that give you joy, so I don’t do cleanses or dry Januarys. Eat! Drink. Be merry! Do everything while you can.
When I eat hard candies, like the sourballs they have in a bin at Sloan-Kettering, I savor them for less than a minute before I chew them up. I feel like I’ve been trying to do that with good things these days. I am too eager and grasp at them.
My social media break, by the way, lasted three days. I don’t think I cleared my head at all. And I need social media right now to remind myself that good things are still happening. Terrible things are happening too. My sadness is a blip. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s going to be OK. I keep telling myself that over and over.
The sadness has been taking a physical toll: I can’t sleep and my neuropathy has flared up, and it’s been a reminder to take care of myself.
I know it’s within me to make things as OK as possible. I am trying to let go of a lot of bitterness and anger, but it’s hard. Several people have recommended to figure out what makes me happy. I am trying to seize the moments of goodness. I’m trying to remember the good without the bad.
I have spent some time looking back and thinking, what if? What if? I can’t change what has happened. I need to move forward and try to believe that everything is going to be OK.
