This week I found out that something I had hung my hopes on for six years won’t ever happen. It is a different type of heartbreak. I cried so much, I had to go to the eye doctor because I dried out my eyes. I had trouble getting out of bed this week, but one of the cats took preliminary nibbles at my inert form and so I had to rouse myself from my self-pity and continue on. I also had friends in town this weekend and that cheered me immensely. A lot of people reached out to me. I will heal from this.
I have been worried I’m going to die and I won’t leave anything good behind. It’s such a lonely feeling. I want my life to matter. I want to do good. Is it something that we all struggle with? The worry we won’t matter somehow?
I do have a life full of love.
I need to be happy for all that I have and not what I want. Why is that so hard?
To cap off my week, I discovered that something I had suspected since May was indeed true. Since I knew already, it wasn’t so bad.
In the midst of all this, I got some OK medical news. I was feeling very tired last week and I would get out of breath climbing the stairs so I received a transfusion on Saturday. After my blood boost, I’m feeling better. My bone marrow is still beat up a bit from the treatment.
Since I’ve been feeling OK, I probably won’t receive another round of PRRT because it might affect my bone marrow in a negative way, causing more platelets and hemoglobin. The next step would probably be another embolization if the tumors start acting up again.
Right now, however, though there are a few more, they’re more or less holding steady. So, for now, we’re going to wait and see. New treatments could be on the horizon.
I’ll continue to live my life. It won’t always be easy because life isn’t easy. But this time is a gift and I get to live. I don’t know how much time I have, but I want to make it as good as possible, filled with joy, laughter and love.