Every now and then, the worst thing happens. Yesterday was one of those times. When the surgeon opened me up, he found a lot of tumors that didn’t show up in the scan, so he closed up the incision.
That’s it. I’m done. There is nothing more to be done. We fought hard, but it’s time to go. I am in a lot of pain from the surgery and the tumors; I can feel the tumors cramping. I can’t control my bowels. I am exhausted and have a hard time fixing electrolyte imbalances.
It’s time for hospice. I knew this was an option going in, but I needed to exhaust all my options.
When I woke up from surgery yesterday, I was told the news. My boyfriend and two of my friends were there and my abdomen hurt so I couldn’t react. I still can’t do any gut-wrenching sobs. I am sad, but have to remain somewhat stoic.
I can’t laugh either, and in these situations, it shouldn’t be a problem, but I have the friends that I have, and so that is, thankfully, an issue.
I have a bunch of logistical and practical matters I have been working on, but I’ve wrapped those up, for the most part. I’m going to blow off some things.
Even now, when they talk about stopping the electrolytes and fluids, I hesitate. I still don’t want to die, but it is time. I had a good run.
Hi Josie,
My wife has shared this blog with me from time to time. I want to thank you for your writing. You have made me think–a lot. You’re a fine human and I’m sad that you don’t have more time. Thank you for your wit, your courage, and your honesty. Goodbye.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m going to fight for as much time as I can get and make it as good as I can.
Hi Josie! My name is Courtney and my husband, Brian Swanson, has been sharing your posts with me for quite awhile. They are so beautiful and raw and real. Thank you. I just want you to know how much you inspire us. I truly believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. You are leaving a beautiful mark on this world. I am praying for an abundance of Peace in your heart and to your family. We are sending so much love from Ohio! <3 God Bless!
Thank you for your kind words and peace and love! Tell Swanson I say hello! It means a lot to hear from you! I’m lucky to receive such kind messages and words of strength.
Josie,
Sending you the biggest hug possible in all of history. You’re always in our thoughts, you always inspire and bring happiness to us. I always cry a little, and smile, every time I read your latest update. You’ll always be with us, and always thought of, especially when we see https://emoji.slack-edge.com/T02FW83UC/freefood/ff5bde95e3986cc1.png
Ha! I do love the Free Food emoji. I miss the Interactive team so much. I’d much rather be working and alerting you all to my free food finds than this early retirement. I told someone to refresh their browser the other day and I missed my job so much! Thinking of you all!
Josie- You are a beautiful writer and it’s an honor to hold space for you in this transition. It sounds cheesy, but I don’t know what else to call it. According to Douglas Adams, 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. So nice job getting this far. The enemy’s gate is down. Love ya.
Josie – I hope you are finding some comfort these days. I have really cherished reading your honest words on this blog. It sounds like you are surrounded by love. Hope your friends are sending you lots of pictures of your beloved cats.
Josie,
We only crossed paths very briefly, but I have a beautiful memory of it. Your interview was the first time I published more than a sentence in English for the open world. Thank you.
I know about you from Mike, and I know you are a beautiful person. Thanks for making this a better world.