It’s been a little over a week since the PRRT treatment. I’m feeling a lot better. For the first time since late April, I’m feeling hopeful again. I got my MediPort in and am getting my PICC line out next week. The doctors have taken me off daily hydration, so I am doing my IV only every other day.
I’m now planning some summer getaways and maybe even vacations. It was much cheaper to plan for vacations in early spring, when I was sick, so I am probably going to wait until off-seasons return and hope that I feel better. I went to a cancer support group tonight, and one of the things that kept coming up is how hard it is to plan. You’re uncertain about your health. What if you get sick again?
The second reason it’s hard to plan is superstition. If you do make plans or let your guard down or allow yourself to be happy, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. There’s often a feeling you’re inviting illness back. Since I’ve had cancer, I felt that way, and I don’t think I realized how common it was among other people who have been through it. Once you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you, you’re understandably jumpy.
At one point though, I noted all my rugs had been pulled out. And I’m still OK. Some of my biggest fears were realized. I’ll always have cancer. A long-term relationship ended. And here I am. So maybe I’m not going to worry so much anymore.
One of the things I’ve always found strange about a breakup is how someone goes from being a stranger to someone you’re extremely close to and then back to a stranger. Their stuff is in boxes. You see them in new clothes with new people. Sometimes it happens with the end of a friendship, but with the end of a relationship, it’s such a divide. Together, then not. Close, then strangers. In some cases, you realize you never knew that person at all.
The cats are enjoying the boxes in the apartment. I may just rent part of my apartment as storage space for extra cash and so the cats can still have boxes to play in. Ziggy loves to eat tape and Lux enjoys tearing apart cardboard, so I’m not sure that my storage facility would be very popular.
Within the past week, I’ve been to a meditation and the support group, as well as a hypnosis workshop for cancer patients. I was a little cynical going into it, but I think it actually worked with curbing some negative thoughts. I definitely felt better afterwards. I’ve also been doing some fun things—hanging out with friends, a comedy show, a summer solstice celebration in the community garden.
It’s also the start of summer, my absolute favorite season. Summer also brings a lot of free activities, and I love free things. I love hot dogs and yoga in equal measures, and both are free in Brooklyn Bridge Park. Last summer, I could take the weekly morning yoga class then take the ferry to work. I’m looking forward to the summer.
