A Pain in the Neck

I am at urgent care again after this weekend’s setback. It’s just so they can do the tests more quickly and give me fluids if necessary, but since this is urgent care, it is likely I will be here most of today. It seems as if the radiation isn’t going to work and the chemo isn’t going to work either so I will probably have to give myself daily injections of octreotide, which isn’t doing much either. There is another drug that insurance won’t approve and then maybe one they will that may or may not help with these symptoms.

It’s all symptom control at this point. I had hoped to get better enough to function for a bit, but if that is off the table, then I am ready to go. I am tired. Most of my loose ends are wrapped up. I have spent the last five years seizing happiness in the well times (and in the sick times too). And, truthfully, I have always been obsessed with the fleeting nature of happiness and have always tried to desperately hang on to it whenever possible. (According to yoga classes, this is something you are not supposed to do, but it’s something I do anyway.)

I have made plans with some of you for the upcoming months, and I know I still need to get back to some others. If I haven’t gotten back to you, it is because I have been sleeping and staring into space a lot. So of it takes me a long time to get back to you, or I don’t, it’s because I don’t feel well, not because I don’t want to talk to you.