Lately, we have been hearing a lot about “hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.” I’ve often stuck to that bit of advice, especially when preparing for upcoming scans and tests. Some would say I’m a pessimist, but I disagree. I am often an optimist, but I like a cushion of pessimism, so I don’t get my hopes up.
Of course, there’s also that saying, “Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.” But I’m a worrier. I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow, and I don’t expect the news to be good. After my last scan in August, the doctor said it looked clear, but then I got a call a week later: The official report was that there may have been something abnormal on the scan, so they’re taking a closer look.
Since then, I’ve been trying to enjoy myself and keep things normal. After the past year of death and illness, we took a much-needed vacation to Iceland and Scotland, with a one-day detour to Manchester. It was beautiful and I had so much fun. The very first day of vacation, however, I woke up and felt off–a little uncoordinated and a little bit numb in my extremities. It got a little bit worse the next day, and four days into my vacation, I ended up at the emergency room (since I didn’t have a doctor in Scotland) for some answers. The blood tests all came back normal. Even though I still felt a bit off, my mind, at least, was at ease, and I enjoyed the rest of my vacation.
In a hotel bed in Iceland, with my limbs going numb, I was terrified and I vowed to take better care of myself.
Then I got a two-week cold when I returned. I felt OK, with some small symptoms—inexplicably numb shins—but then it eventually got worse. I saw a general practitioner almost two weeks ago, but she didn’t have many answers, though she did rule out a slipped disc since the numbness is in so many different places—my legs, arms and in between my shoulder blades. I feel lightheaded and the weekend before last, I sometimes felt like I would pass out. I eventually ended up taking a blood test at Sloan-Kettering last Tuesday.
The blood tests don’t show anything wrong. In the best case scenario, it’s an electrolyte imbalance, and I can handle things with taking my pancreatic enzymes and taking good care of myself. In the worst-case scenario, the MRI will show that the cancer is back. I’d take more tests over the return of the cancer. I went to see my lymphoma oncologist today. At one point, I almost broke down, because I’m tired of being sick. Sometimes, my head feels weird and a limb is going numb and I’m trying to act normal while I’m really freaking out. This week has been a bit better than last week, though I can’t tell if I’ve felt better of if I’m getting used to feeling weird.
I have been dreading the scan and the bad news it could bring, but I also want to feel better soon. Until then, I have been hoping for the best, while preparing for the worst. There has been a lot more that I have wanted to write these past few months, but I have been too busy and too tired to write. I have started so many posts that I never finished. This brief post is mostly for me, to document the hopefulness and the worry.
Witnessed.